Rich

Over the weekend I saw my wife using her phone to record her hair getting styled. I think she’s looking to watch the highlights later!

A truck carrying Vick’s Vaporub crashed on the highway. There was no congestion for hours!

Coyotes outpace Road Runners by 23mph

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded!

Since the last ice age, there are no endemic snakes in Ireland. That means the story surrounding St. Patricks Day and driving the snakes out of Ireland with a flute can not have happened.

I went to the bakery and said I’d like to buy a muffin with chocolate chips. The baker said, sorry sir we only take cash.

Did you hear about the guy who only believe in 12.5% of the Bible? He was an eighth-iest!

Why do programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas. Because OCT 31 equals DEC 25!

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their Chili? Because one more would be too fahrty!

Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund. Someone told him “Get along little doggy!”

Their are more plastic flamingos than real ones in the world. 9-24-25 - Joe - FF - 37% of all human space flights across all countries have contained a Purdue Boilermaker!

9-24-25 - Enis - Why are astronauts so clean? Because they take meteor showers!

The first ever speeding ticket was issued to a driver going 8mph. The speed limit was 2mph.

Why is dark spelt with a K? Because you can’t “C” in the dark!

(Picture) AAA Batteries, Delivered and Installed

Chameleon tongues are twice the length of their body.

Queen bee’s can survive hibernation under water for 8 days. They are able to breathe underwater during that time. 5-13-25 - Tom -> Will - I’m reading a book about antigravity. It’s impossible to put down!

5-13-25 - Will -> Enis - Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a slow computer with slow internet to see what sort of person they truly are!

Before the invention of the bicycle, the average distance between the birthplace of husband and wife was 1 mile.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are strolling through London when, out of nowhere, a cat leaps onto Watson and pees on him. "Oh, bloody hell!" Watson exclaims. â"My coat is ruined!" "You'll have to take it up with the owner," Sherlock replies calmly. "But I haven't the slightest idea who the owner is!" "Elementary, my dear Watson. You are both pissed on and pissed off at the same time, so it must be Schrodinger's cat."

George Washington was actually born on February 11, 1731, according to the then-used Julian calendar. In 1752, however, Britain and all its colonies adopted the Gregorian calendar which moved Washington's birthday a year and 11 days to February 22, 1732. 2-26-25 - Nathan - I had a date last night, and it was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll have a fig.

2-27-25 - Will (Sniped Nathan) - I was going to tell a covid joke today. But I thought it might last taste!

Somebody asked if I was Russian. I said “I’m not, I'm just taking my time!”

Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted!

Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball? He had already broken the bench!

Why do Mormons stop having kids after 25? Because 26 is too many!

Ben Franklin was so old that he had to be carried into the room to sign the Declaration of Independence.

Finally left my job at the circus, where I was part of the human pyramid. That’s a huge weight off my shoulders!

How should someone make a chemistry joke? Periodically!

What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? Some asshole has my pen!

In 1992 Lithuania couldn’t make it to the olympics, Grateful Dead sponsored them and bought a bunch of gear in their color. To this day they have a bunch of fans in Lithuania.

What did the undertaker say when he realized he buried the wrong coffin? I’ve made a grave mistake! 6–3-24 - Joe/Kurt Vonnegut - A man is locked in a room with a calendar and a bed, how does he survive? He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs on the bed. 6–4-24 - Enis - Pilots and copilots are required to eat different meals before flights, that way they don’t end up with food poisoning. 6-5—24 - Nathan - I WAS LONELY UNTIL I GLUED A COFFEE CUP ON TOP OF MY CAR. NOW EVERYONE WAVES AT ME!

My girlfriend said she’d leave me if I don’t support Trump. Okay, okay, Bi-den!

I get the words jacuzzi and yacuzza confused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia!

ALMOST is the longest English word with all letters in alphabetic order.

Our maintenance man lost his legs in an accident. Now he’s just a handy man!

Mr. Potato head was the first toy to be advertised on TV.

I saw a guy standing on one leg at the atm, so I asked him what he’s doing. He said, “I’m just checking my balance!” !!! 2-13-2024 - Tom - The heart of a blue whale is about 5 feet in length, 4 feet in width and 5 feet in height, and can weigh as much as 175 kilograms, which is the same as some cars.

What sort of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers! When boats are sick where do they go? To the doc!

How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ear pierced? A buccaneer!

Six is afraid of seven because 7 8 9, but why did seven do it? Seven heard you should eat three squared meals a day!

Do you know how many people are dead at the cemetery? All of them!

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

group of married couples get together for a Christmas dinner When the last couple arrives, the wife is immediately showing off her present from her husband. "Look at what my Harold bought me!", she exclaims as she holds up her hand with a diamond the size of a baseball on it. All the other wives gather around her oohing and ahhing over her new ring. One of the other husbands whispers to Harold, "I thought she wanted a new car?" "She did", answers Harold. "But I don't know where to buy a fake Mercedes".

What is Santa Claus and Ms. Claus favorite movie? Reindeer games!

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin Pie

What do a cigarette and a hamster have in common? they are both completely harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire!

My wife found the money I’ve been saving in a board game, and she insisted that I put it all in the bank. Better Safe than Sorry I guess.

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless!

What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume!

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine!

Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the ‘P’ is silent!

https://oddstuffmagazine.com/funny-pictures-may-4-2023.html/i-can-feel-it

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.

What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell check!

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. "I'd like some wings and a pint of beer, please," it says. "Sorry, but I can't serve you," the bartender replies. "You're out of your head."

What kind of spells do leprechauns use? Lucky Charms!

What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs!

What is the easter bunnies favorite type of music. Hip hop!

How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? One - but they need to do it while you're eating dinner!

Bar tender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot!

I've been racing deer. I'm just trying to make a quick buck!

Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date!

I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something!

Why didn't Hon Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewy!

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!