Nathan

Did you hear about the turkey who plays baseball? He was drafted into the big leagues. He insisted on playing first baste!

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters, and never has 5 letters. It’s a fact.

I finally watched that documentary about clocks. It was about time!

From the 1930s into about 1940, Chicago had something called the Chicago Milk Wars, which sounds fake but was very real. After Prohibition ended, the mob, including people tied to Al Capone’s organization, suddenly needed a new way to make money now that bootlegging was drying up… so naturally they decided, “let’s get into milk.” They started buying up dairy companies and trying to force businesses to use their cheaper, non-union delivery services. The problem was Chicago already had the Milk Wagon Drivers Union, Local 753, and those guys were built different because instead of backing down they said, “absolutely not” to the mob. So for years there was this bizarre turf war between the mob and union milkmen.
Milk trucks got hijacked, deliveries got dumped into the river, dairies got bombed, drivers got jumped in the street, and both sides kept escalating. And the wildest part is this wasn’t just random violence, it was all because milk pricing was a disaster during the Depression. Farmers were making almost nothing, consumers were paying inflated prices, and everyone wanted control of the profit in the middle. Eventually the federal government had to step in and break everything up because Chicago had become so violently corrupt over dairy… So just remember: there was once a period in American history where union milkmen were literally fighting the mafia in the streets over milk routes.

There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t!

RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.

I wanted to teach my dog to dance, but he had two left feet!

I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.

A group of raccoons is not called a bandit, it’s called a gaze! A mother with her kits is called a nursery, and an informal name used by zoos and shelters is called a committee.

Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.

November’s Full Moon is traditionally called the Beaver Moon. Why this name? In the colonial era, this was the month to set one’s beaver traps before the swamps froze and beavers retired to their lodges, to ensure a supply of warm winter furs.

Why should you never argue with a dinosaur? You’ll get Jurasskicked!

Marv Rickleffs - Hooked all my wrist watches together and made a belt. Turned out to be a waist of time!

It takes roughly 540 peanuts to make a jar of peanut butter.

Why do moon rocks taste better than earth rocks? Because they’re a little meteor!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Forget it. It’s pointless.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ya. Ya who? No thanks, I prefer Google.

No number before 1,000 contains the letter A!

Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Why was the NoSQL database sad? It didn’t have any relationships!

Did you hear about that guy that evaporated? Yeah, he’ll be mist!

What do you get when you cross and earthquake with a heatwave? Shake ’N Bake!

(Grandpa Rickleffs) - What's the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is in violation of the law and the other is a sick bird!

Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school.

What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.

Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.

How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.

A kid asked their father, “Daddy, what are clouds made of?” The father replied, “Linux servers mostly!”

There’s only 10 types of people in the world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

Why don’t ants get sick? They have anty-bodies!

Why are ghosts bad liars? Because they’re transparent!

What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometer? The taste!

A pirate got his lost hand replaced with a cheap metal prosthetic. Now all the other pirates call him "Crap Tin Hook!”

Why was the broom late to work? It overswept!

What do you call a killer with two butts? An assassin!

Why did the pharmacist walk on her tiptoes? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Why are babies born on holidays are more than likely to be little girls? Because there is no mail delivery on holidays!

Gas money story

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box, opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later they came out again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house they went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the neighbor came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by the neighbors actions the man walked aver and asked if something wrong. The neighbor exclaimed with anger “There certainly is! There’s nothing here and my stupid computer keeps giving me a message ‘You’ve got mail!’

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels! 1-22-25 - Will - What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut? A barber-queue!

1-22-25 - Will - Waiter my coffee tastes like dirt. It’s fresh ground sir!

An old married couple was in church one Sunday. The woman turns to her husband and says: I've just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do? The husband replies: Replace the battery in your hearing aid!

If Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on? Scholar ships! 11-15-24 - Tom -> Will - Have you heard of this new squirrel diet? It’s totally nuts!

11-15-24 - Will- Why are black holes so skinny? Because they’re light eaters!

Did you hear about the turkey that plays baseball? He covers first baste!

Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because Dawn is tough on Greece!

Why are all garbage truck drivers skinny? They are experts in waist management!

Why did the ghost smell bad? It smelled like sheet!

What is a witches favorite school subject? Spelling!

Colorado is the birthplace of the cheeseburger as we know it. Humpty Dumpty Drive-In was the first place to ever use the term.

What do you call a Tyrannosaurus rex that sleeps all day? A Dino-Snaur!

Why did the veggie burger start a fight with the hamburger? Because it had beef!

What do you get when you cross a witch with sand? A sandwich!

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas. He said it’s the most violent book he’s read! 9-25-24 - Will - How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it! -> 
What do you call a guy who’s really loud? Mike!

What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.

A dog walks into a bar and says, “I cannot see a thing. I’ll open this one.” (FF The oldest recorded joke known to humanity)

Did you hear about the angry firework? He was so mad, he exploded! Tom - What do you call a patriotic cartoonist? A Yankee Doodler! Will - What do you cal the dog that saw the British coming? Paw Reveere! 7-4-24 - Tom - Why didn’t the sun go to college? Because it’s already had a million degrees!
Why don’t sea shells take baths? Because they wash up on the beach!

Why does corn in Illinois lean east...Because Indiana sucks and Iowa blows! I hear people from Illinois get mad when you pronounce the S...It really ill-annoys them!

What do you call a magician without magic? lan.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer.

Today I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice Jester! 2–5-2024 - Will -> Rich - I made a hole today, and wanted to tell a joke about it. But then I realized it’s boring!

What are New Years resolutions? Something that goes in one year, and out the other!

Why did the scarecrow get a big Christmas bonus? Because he was outstanding in his field.

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days!

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

What’s the difference between black eye peas and chickpeas? Black eyed peas can sing us a song, while chick peas can hummus one!

What do you call 3.14 men out at sea? ‘Pi’-rates!

Why were the scissors held back a year? They weren’t very sharp!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. A house doesn’t jump at all!

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk!

Why did the developer go broke? Because they used up all their cache!

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook? From the second hand store!

What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet!

Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana? It was the pot calling the cattle back!

Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

What do the Eiffel Tower and a tapeworm have in common? They are both Paris-sites!

Did you know the moon has hair, but how does he cut it? Eclipse it!

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places!

Did you hear the joke about Friday, Saturday, and Sunday? It has a great start, week end.

How does The Rock go to the bathroom? He Dwayne’s his Johnson!

A dung Beatle walks into a bar, looks at the bar tender as asks “Is that stool taken?”

Reviews for Hogwarts Legacy are coming in. Most reviewers are giving it a 9 3/4 depending on the platform!

With spring right around the corner I started cleaning my house! All I've got to say is washing windows? It's a pain in the glass!

Did you hear about the man injured in a bizarre peeka-a-boo accident? Now he's stuck in ICU!

How did the cabinet maker get arrested? Counter-fitting!

Did you know Jesus drove a Honda but never spoke of it? "For I speak not of my own accord!" - John 12:49

What kind of Christmas music do elves like? Wrap music! What do you call Santa when he takes a break? Santa Pause! What do you call Santa’s most impolite reindeer? Rude-olph. What do snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren. What do you call a pig pen in winter? A pig-loo. Who delivers Christmas presents to cats and dogs? Santa Paws.

What's the one type of pain that's enjoyable on New Year's? Cham-pain!

Bee keeping is all the rage these days! So I went to the pet store to get some bees, and when I get there I ask the employee if I could have some bees. He said "Sure, how many would you like?" I figured a dozen is a great starting point, so I tell him so. They head into the back and shortly emerge with a bag containing 13 bees. I go "What is this, I asked for twelve bees!" He looks at me and says "Oh, that last one? He's just a free-bee!"

Why don't you want to use a blunt pencil? Because there's no point! Enis - Why are circles bad at telling jokes? Because they're pointless!

What did the computer have during his break time? He had a byte!

What should you do if your Nintendo game ends in a tie? Ask for a Wii-match!

Do trees poop? Of course, that's how we get number two pencils!

What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the deep.

How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots!

What state is known for its tiny beverages? Minne-sota!

The other day I was at a garage sale and I saw a radio for sale, it had a note saying "Stuck on full, $2." I thought to myself, "I just can't turn that down!"

I once got fired from a canned juice factory. I was told I couldn't concentrate!

Why did the man fall down a well? He couldn't see that well!

What's funnier: mountain ranges or forests? Mountains of course, they're hill-areas!

Did you hear about the ships that crashed in the Atlantic? Yeah one ship was carrying red paint and the other blue. Both crews were marooned!

Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood!

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

Why doesn't the Demogorgan have eyes? I don't know, but I've seen Stranger Things!

What's your favorite time of day? Mine is definitely 6:30, hands down!