Tom

Why did the adserver break up with the video player?

I put my root beer in a square mug. Now I just have beer!

The most watched Christmas film is Home Alone topping viewership.

A giant dinosaur now extinct, hurt itself in a climbing move. It was a dyno saur!

A man lived above a Chinese restaurant. One night he was trying to sleep but the lights were too bright, so he went down to the owner to complain and ask if he could turn them off. The owner replied, “I can’t do that, but I can dim sum.”

What do you call a Kangaroo that asks for seconds of ramen? A more-soup-ial!

What do you call a happy farmer? A Jolly Rancher!

Why do python programmers where glasses? Because they can’t C well!

Where did the IT guy go? He probably RAM somewhere!

I’ve started investing in stocks. Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable… one day I hope I’ll have a bouillon!

Merchandise Mart is so big, that it had its own zip code until 2008. When it opened in 1930 it was the largest building in the world, with 4,000,000 square feet of floor space.

My 401k has been turned into a 404k. Retirement not found!

It's (kind of) common knowledge in Wisconsin that what is now Michigan's upper peninsula was once part of America's dairyland, and was somehow ceded to our eastern neighbors. But just like most common knowledge, this isn't quite as true as it seems. It's actually the result of a war which had nothing to do with Wisconsin. And not the "aggressive diplomacy" sort of war. A sheriff was stabbed, so we're going to count it as a war. The inaccurate The inaccurate "Mitchell Map" started a border dispute, an interstate "war," and decided the fate of the UP. In the 18th century, cartography wasn't an exact science and statelines weren't something you could look up on Google maps. In 1787, the U.S. government enacted the Northwest Ordinance, declaring the border between the state of Ohio and Michigan Territory as "an east west line drawn through the southerly bend or extreme of Lake Michigan." Congress used the Mitchell Map to define this line, and as you can tell from looking at the map above, Mitchell was a bit off in his calculations. A straight line drawn with the US government's description would have cut off almost all of Ohio's access to Lake Eerie, which would have cost Ohio a lot of trade revenue. To avoid this, Ohio changed the description of the border itself so that it ran from Lake Michigan to Maumee Bay. So far so good, until Michigan applied for statehood in 1833 and drew the border between itself and Ohio using an accurate map and the original description of the border. This created a tract of land called the "Toledo Strip," 5 to 8 miles wide. To try and make Michigan give the land back, Ohio governor Robert Lucas pulled some favors in congress to deny Michigan's statehood. Enraged, Michigan governor Stevens Masons enacted the "Pains and Penalties" act making it an imprisonable offense to support Ohio in the Toledo Strip, and enforced it sending 1,000 Michigan militia to the strip. In response, Lucas sent 600 Ohio militia. No Man's Land. I think I can hear Ennio Morricone in the background. Okay so the Toledo "War" wasn't that exciting; it was mostly bloodless skirmishes, arrests, lawsuits, and saber rattling. There was one bizarre case where Michigan sheriff Joseph Wood tried to arrest Major Benjamin Stickney for voting in an Ohio election while living in the strip. Benjamin and his sons, One Stickney and Two Stickney (you can't make this up), resisted and stabbed the sheriff. He survived his wounds, and it was enough to prompt both sides to withdrawn from the No Man's Land. The political scuffle went on until 1836 when a deal was reached. Michigan would gain statehood and give up the Toledo Strip, but gain the upper peninsula from the Northwest Territory. Ohio considered it a victory. That is until people learned about the mountains stuffed full of copper and iron ore in the upper peninsula. More wealth came out of the UP than out of California during the gold rush, and supplied 90% of America's iron and copper. Sounds like Michigan got the better end of the deal. In the summer of 1837, as the Toledo War was ending and Michigan was gaining its statehood, the Wisconsin territory was officially formed. Wisconsin was, at one point, part of Michigan territory but broke off before it ever had its own name on the upper peninsula. Thus, we never had it. But, if Ohio had just kept to itself and accepted the loss of the Toledo Strip, Michigan would have likely left the upper peninsula for Wisconsin.

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting!

Why did the lawyer show up to court in his underwear? Because he forgot his law suit!

What do you call a train carrying gum? A chew chew train! 1-28-25 - Joe - What kind of fish do penguins catch at night? Starfish!

1-28-25 - Joe - Who is Frosty The Snowman’s favorite aunt? Aunt Artica!

Did you know that the Teddy Bear was invented in honor of President Theodore Roosevelt? It all began when Theodore Roosevelt was on a bear hunting trip near Onward, Mississippi on November 14, 1902. Mississippi's Governor Andrew H. Longino had invited him, but unlike other hunters in the group, Theodore had not located a single bear. Roosevelt's assistants cornered and tied a black bear to a willow tree. They summoned Roosevelt and suggested that he shoot it. Viewing this as extremely unsportsmanlike, Roosevelt refused to shoot the bear. The news of this event spread quickly through newspaper articles across the country. The articles recounted the story of the president who refused to shoot a bear. However, it was not just any president, it was Theodore Roosevelt the big game hunter! Clifford Berryman, a political cartoonist, read the article and decided to lightheartedly satirize the president's refusal to shoot the bear. Berryman's cartoon appeared in the Washington Post on November 16, 1902. Morris Michtom, a Brooklyn candy shop owner, saw the cartoon and had an idea. He and his wife Rose also made stuffed animals, and Michtom decided to create a stuffed toy bear and dedicate it to the president who refused to shoot a bear. He called it 'Teddy's Bear'. After receiving Roosevelt's permission to use his name, Michtom mass produced the toy bears which were so popular that he soon founded the Ideal Toy Company. To this day the Teddy Bear has worldwide popularity and its origin can be traced back to Theodore's fateful hunting trip in 1902.

Do you know what the internal temperature of a Ton Ton is? Luke warm!

The Irish actually brought the pumpkin carving tradition of the Jack O’Lantern to America. The original Jack O’Lantern was not a pumpkin though because pumpkins did not exist in Ireland. Instead, Ancient Celtic cultures in Ireland carved turnips for Halloween and put an ember inside of them to ward off evil spirits. There is a story behind the Jack O’Lantern as well, and it is called The Tale of Stingy Jack and The Jack O’Lantern!

If your girlfriend has bee stings, wears white and smells like honey… she’s a keeper! 10-4-24 - Tom - How do you make number one disappear? At a G in front and it’s gone!
Enis - FF - Tourists throw 1.5 M euros into the Travaanana Italy fountain every year.

Doctor said the bad news is all my organs are shutting down because I’ve been eating salted, dry meats. But the good news is, I’m cured!

Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because it was on a Rocky Road!

Why is it always so hot in the olympic stadium at the end of the competition? Because all of the fans have left!

Shadows are darker on the moon. On earth the light is scattered by the atmosphere so shadows have some light to them. On the moon the atmosphere doesn’t scatter light in the same way, so shadows are darker.

Why did the killer whale learn the flute? He wanted to be part of the Orca-Stra! Why is the ocean so clean? It has mermaids!

The Eiffel Tower was originally designed for … TODO

The worlds largest waterfall is in the Denmark Straight underwater. 2.some miles.

Did you hear about the dog wearing a swimsuit? It is quite fetching! What do you call something with anxiety on the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck! What can cause dry skin after being in a swimming pool? A towel!

The Japanese word 'Kuchi zamishii’ is the act of eating when you're not hungry because your mouth is lonely.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogey in it! Enis - What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carloss!

There is a company in Japan that runs a school that teaches you how to be funny. The first one opened in 1982, about 1000 students enroll every year. 4–9-24 - Nathan - How can you tell a dogwood tree from other trees? By the bark!

If you have a pizza with radius Z, and thickness A, it’s

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and nine pennies, you have a $1.19. But also the largest amount of change you can to not break up a dollar.

The oldest your mom joke - https://www.thefactsite.com/top-100-random-funny-facts/

Broccoli man made and producer of James Bond films.

What did the ref say to the fan that was upset with his call? Intentional frowning is not allowed here!

What does a gingerbread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet!

What do you call something with no body and no nose? Nobody nose! How does Santa measure his bag? In Santa Meters!

How do Christmas trees get ready for a night out? They spruce up!

Why did the ghost quit studying? Because he was too ghoul for school!

What music do you listen to while out on a hike? I like Eminem, The Cranberries, and the theme song from Peanuts. It's my trail mix!

A deer friend of mine fell overboard while sailing the other day, unfortunately he couldn’t swim. At the funeral I gifted his family a life preserver, it’s what he would have wanted!

How do bees brush their hair? With honey combs!

I got pulled over with a donkey in the back of my car. The cop said I was hauling ass!

3 pieces of string walk into a bar but the barman says "sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here", so they all leave. One of the pieces of string says to his friends "Hey, that's not fair, i'm going to go ask again". So he goes in but he is immediately stopped by the barman who says "Sorry, but we don't serve pieces of string here". The piece of string leaves and tells his friends. Then one of the othere pieces of string tassels his hair and tied himself into a knot and walks in. He is then told by the barman "Go away, we don't serve pieces of string!". The piece of string replies "No, i'm afraid not!"

Where do bad rainbows go? To prism, it’s a light sentence but it gives them time to refract!

My wife asked me why I never buy her flowers. And I was like, “You sell flowers?!"

Did you hear about the guy who tells everyone what the colors on a graph mean? That guy’s a Legend!

Looking to hire someone to change the channel and volume on my tv. Must be able to work remote.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from amazon. I’ll let you know. - Will’s Father In-Law - I store all dad jokes in a dad-a-base!

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired! How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A Buck-An-Ear!

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet! Tyler - 6/6 - Why are circles bad at telling jokes? Because they're pointless! - Why are spiders so smart? Because they can find everything on the web! Will - Atheism is a non-prophet organization!

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down!

Did you hear the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de brie! How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card! What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus- wrecks!

> Why was the coach yelling at the vending machine? He wanted his quarter back!

What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment!

What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me, something smells! How do you organize a space party? You planet!

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves! -> What did the finger say to the glove? I’m in glove with you! -> What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes? Probably not, they haven't had a gig yet!

FunFact: Why are snakes on medical symbols? The legend goes Hermes used a stick to stop two snakes from fighting, so they coiled up on the staff and that’s where they remain today.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogey in it!

How do you make an octopus laugh? With Ten-Tickles!

Why can’t your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it’d be a foot! -> What did the baby corn say to mama corn? Where is pop corn?

What do you call a couple chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account? Prime-mates!

What do you call two birds in love? Tweet-hearts! Charles - How can you tell when a squirrel is in love? They go nuts! Will - Who always has a date on Valentines day? The calendar!

I bought a dog from a locksmith. When we got home he made a bolt for the door! Did you hear the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de brie!

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!

My New Years resolution was to drop my bad habits. But no one likes a quitter! What does a jeweler do on Dec. 31st? Ring in the new year!

Ebay is so useless! I tried looking up lighters, and all they had was 13,417 matches!

What did Santa do during lockdown? He worked at ho-ho-home!

What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows!

> Nathan What room does a ghost not need in a house? A living room. What kind of horse do ghosts ride? A night-mare

How do you talk to an Italian ghost? With a l-ouji board! Will - What are a vampires favorite snack? Nectarines!

I'm upset, I took the shell off my snail thinking it'd make him faster. If anything it made him sluggish!

I had a chip implanted in my body. It was a cool ranch Dorito!

I got fired from my job at the bank today... and old lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over!

My favorite word is drool, it just rolls off the tongue! What do you call a dangerous sun shower? A rain of terror!

What do you call a psychic little person who's escaped from prison? A small medium at large!

You're not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example!

Why are there so many different types of pasta? If I had a penne for every time I heard this question!

Time flies like an arrow! Fruit flies like a banana! What kind of ghost has the best hearing? The ear-iest!

When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

Why do cow milking stools only have three legs? The cow's got the udder!

What do you call bears with no ears? B.S!

You've heard of Murphys law, have you heard of Cole's law? It's cabbage and mayonnaise! - How do you talk to Italian ghost? With a l-ouigi board!

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hairline!

Parallel lines have too much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet! How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut!

I'm terrified of elevators... so I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them!

What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels!

What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is a little heavy, and one is a little lighter!

Someone asked a librarian, "Do you have any books on paranoia?" and the librarian exclaimed "They're right behind you!"

Where do spaghetti and sauce go to dance? The meat-ball!

Have you guys heard the rumor about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't be spreading it!

What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-you-think-he-saur-us?

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta-a-way!

What did the fish say when it ran into a wall? Dam! - What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!

I sold my vacuum yesterday, all it was doing was collecting dust!

What's Forest Gump's email password? 1Forest1!

I like elephants, everything else is irrelevant! - Two windmills are standing on a wind farm, one asks what is your favorite type of music? The other says, I'm a big fan of heavy metal!

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He received the no-bell prize!

Johnny Appleseed (real name John Chapman) was yes, a real person, and yes, he planted apple trees all over parts of the United States, and he wasn’t poor. Back then, land could be claimed if you created a permanent homestead, and one of the ways to do that was to plant 50 trees to start an orchard. Chapman planted trees, and then later would sell “his” land to people.